To My March 1 Babies

Dear my March 1 Babies,

Today I would have met you. I would have known you, of course, after carrying you in my womb for the last 40 weeks. I would have felt your kicks and squirms, and I would have laughed at your hiccups that woke me up in the middle of the night. And after knowing you in a veiled sort of way, today, I would have met you. 

I am sure we would all be down at the hospital- your huge family and your excited big brother. Your cousins would have all been there, bringing flowers or asking to hold you. Your grandparents, beaming with pride and wiping away tiny tears after seeing you for the first time would have been there too. Your aunts and uncles would have asked to hold you and they would have been so excited to welcome another little person in our family. We would have stood around you and wondered at the miracle of it all.

But today, March 1, looks a lot different than I thought. No racing to the hospital. No flowers or laughter or happy tears. Today, I sit here on this rainy and dark day, sending my thoughts to heaven. To you- my sweet little March 1 babies.

You must know that you were already loved long ago. After we did IVF, we were blessed to have more little babies (you!) in ‘the waiting room”. You were frozen and then when it was time, we woke you up and prayed we could keep you. One day in June, the doctor came into our room and showed us your picture. You were only 5 days old! And you both were perfect.

Sure- to some this seems unnatural. It feels a little like a scene from a futuristic movie. Are those babies even real? They were grown in a lab. But to me, I knew you were just my two sweet babies. Two babies that we got to meet very early in your life. You were alive. Just like your older brother Jack at this stage. We have a picture of him when he was 5 days old too! We were just praying you would keep growing so that on March 1- today- we would get to meet you.

And it looked like that was going to happen. About a week before the pregnancy test, I started secretly testing at home. Daddy didn’t want me to, but I couldn’t help myself. It worked! When I saw those two little lines, I could barely breathe.

Over the next few days, I kept testing and the lines kept getting darker and darker. You were growing. On our wedding anniversary, I surprised your daddy with a special present. At dinner, I gave him this. The poem said, “I know you told me not to test, but waiting is no way to live, and I am so glad I did, because they were all POSITIVE!” We cried right there in the fondue restaurant.

But then we got the call. I was pregnant, but the blood test showed I was already starting to lose you. We wouldn’t know for sure for a few days. Oh little babies, I prayed and prayed I could keep you. I cried and begged God to let me carry you. But a few days later, we found out you were already gone.

This had happened once before the previous December. But those babies were gone before I ever got to the pregnancy test. I was confused and not sure what had really happened. And it happened again last October. But in October, my heart was shielded and I was bracing for impact. But you my little March babies…you had my WHOLE heart. Every ounce of it. The moment the doctors left and you were finally in my womb, I prayed in the silence for both of you. I prayed for your tiny hearts- that they would start beating. And in that sacred moment, I fell head over heels in love with you. And when I lost you, I had no idea that something so tiny could break my heart into so many pieces. In losing you, I lost a bit of myself.

In the days that followed, I had to be honest with God. I told Him my faith was wavering. I told Him I was mad that this happened and that it seemed so easy for everyone else. Why in the world would He even allow me to get pregnant, only to take you away weeks later? I began to ask God what He really promises. It certainly wasn’t the easy road or a healthy pregnancy.

But you know what, babies? He did promise me things that this world simply can’t. He promised me peace in the storm. He promised to save us (Ephesians 2:8), His true peace (Psalm 23), His power (Ephesians 3:20, Phil 4:13), hope (Hebrews 11), and mercy and grace in our time of need (Hebrews 4:16). And above all, His deep, deep love for us. Oh how He loves us.

And He is the only that can promise that I will see you again.

And He promises to use our story to comfort others. And so I am sharing my story- our story- my sweet little ones. I know He will do a lot with your short little lives if I trust Him and I am faithful. You have already taught me so much. Your voice is louder than you think. And your candle is bright. And I am thankful to have known you.

Until I see you again…

With love,

Mommy

7 Comments

7 Comments on To My March 1 Babies

  1. Amy Caudill says:

    my heart is so heavy for you. praying for peace…and ultimately babies! thankful for new mercies everyday!

  2. Bonnie says:

    Thank you Amy! Yes, His mercies are new and I am so thankful. Thank you for encouraging me to write as well in your faithfulness in sharing your story!

  3. You are so incredibly brave to write about this and all the other struggles you guys have been through!! Kevin and I had a miscarriage before we got pregnant with Mackenzie and that was heart breaking…so I can’t even begin to imagine what you have endured! I pray that our Lord gives you peace, comfort and overwhelms you with His love and faithfulness.

  4. Bonnie says:

    Thank you Tara! I do not always feel brave. It is scary! But after hearing from everyone, I know I am on the right path! 🙂 I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I am just amazed at how many women this has touched. I am so happy you have your little Mackenzie. What a sweetie! Thank you for your prayers friend.

  5. roseturtle says:

    Oh Bonnie! That is precious. You gave me chills. And you are a beautiful writer. 🙂 Debbie Wilmers

  6. Totally crying. Bonnie, I am so sorry for your continued loss. I know there is hope in Jesus and that He is faithful, but this hurts…and only you can really know how much. Thank you for allowing Jesus’ power to shine through you by sharing your story. I know music ministers to you and Justin… “And this is my prayer in the battle when triumph is still on its way. I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ, so firm on His promise I’ll stand…I will rejoice. I will declare, God is my victory and He is here.” Desert Song by Hillsong

    Love, Kristi

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  1. […] 2 embryos, Definite positive home pregnancy test.  HCG blood level was 23 and dropped from there.  They told me this was a chemical pregnancy (an early miscarriage). Read about it here […]

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