Hope your week is going well, everyone!
I am inching my way through our surrogacy story and thought I would use this post to share a little bit about my nesting experience as an intended mother (the term for me in the surrogacy world) and to share some pictures of Ivy’s room.
As I have shared in previous posts, having someone else carry your baby is a bit of a surreal experience. It was often difficult for me to process that our biological child was the one kicking, growing and wiggling in there! Pregnancy naturally makes a woman stop, slow down, and often face the reality that a baby is on the way. But since I didn’t have morning sickness, backaches, and sleepless nights, I had to consciously decide to prepare myself for this baby. I threw a lot of that energy towards her nursery.
After our adoption fell apart, the nursery was a very tender place for me. A few months after we lost her, I chose a night to clean it out. My dad and father in law had kindly taken down the crib for us when we had left town and I had shoved some things in boxes, but it was largely untouched. So that night, I put on some of my favorite music and locked myself in there for a few hours. I sorted clothes and packed up the baby gear. I put things in large trash bags and labeled them for the future. I took down the pictures off the walls and when it was all said and done, I sat in the silence of the room and cried. I thought about the special memories we had made in that room with that sweet girl. I remembered bringing her home for the first time and seeing the IT’S A GIRL sign and pops of pink that my in-laws had surprised us with. I remembered rocking her. I remembered her first bath and the sweet outfits she wore.
I remembered losing her.
That night was my chance at a ceremony to say goodbye. When I closed the door that night, this is what the room looked like.
This night happened in April 2015. At that time, we were in the preparation phase for the surrogacy, but the transfer hadn’t taken place yet. I had no idea if I would ever bring a baby home to that room again.
So once Stacy’s second trimester was in full swing, I nervously walked back into that room again. I started letting a little hope fill my heart. And I decided that I would make a very special room for my little girl.
It started out as a disaster. Everything came out of the closets and the garage. We brought in all the gift from our shower (my next post!). As a family, we sorted through all the baby gear. It brought up some painful memories and definitely some “glitter”, but it was another step of healing.
Jack started to really understand that a new family member was on her way. He helped Justin put together the crib (with his own “tools”) and would hold up baby toys and say, “Ahhh mama, it is so cute!”
Photo credit above: Jack Kent
If you know me, you know that I LOVE LABELS and very organized closets. It is a bit of an obsession actually. I sorted through the baby gear and organized her closet. I tenderly held all the tiny socks and baby bows and treasured this time of waiting. Nesting isn’t just for pregnant woman. It is the process of making room in your heart and home for a new life. A new corner of my heart started expanding.
Over the next few months, I started decorating. I found these amazing pieces on Etsy and the concept started to come together. I ordered this print because the song, “Baby Mine” is one I sing to all my babies. I hung curtains, printed some maternity pictures, and scanned the aisles of Home Goods for accent pieces. We chose her name (that story to come later) and hung up the letters on the wall.
My mom studied interior design in college and helped me so much with ideas! I think she was doing a little of her own nesting.
When I finally felt like it was just right, my very talented sister took these beautiful photos for us when she was over at our house one afternoon. You can find her on FB at Wendy Hogan Photography.
A few weeks before her due date, I sat in that nursery again. It was another ceremony of sorts as I pictured holding my daughter in this room. I hummed the lullaby that I wrote for Jack and rocked the chair back and forth. A sense of peace and excitement settled into my soul.
I just couldn’t wait to meet her.
By Bonnie Kent
The day has come and gone again
The sun has gone to sleep
And though the day has passed us by
The memories we will keep
And so I’ll kiss you once or twice
And tuck you into bed
And now I’ll sing this lullaby
Before you rest your head
Sleep baby sleep
Close those little eyes
Sleep baby sleep
Hush those little cries
Someday you’ll grow to be so tall
The toys and games are done
I know that day will come but now
Rest my little one