Surrogacy Series #2- The Decision

Welcome to the second installment of our First Trimester Surrogacy blog series! I apologize for the break.  It has been a busy summer!

If you haven’t read the first post or gotten caught up on our story, you may want to check those out first!

Alright…back to the story….

We had just received the generous and unexpected offer from Stacy and her husband, Justin for surrogacy. I was in the in the middle of a FET round (although our official baseline appointment wasn’t for a few more days), so we told them that if this round didn’t work, we would talk to them about it for our next and final round.

And now the funniness and craziness continues.  Enter my mom and mother in law….

When we got home from church that day, I called my mom to tell her what happened.  And much to my surprise, she ALREADY KNEW ABOUT IT!  She explained that about a month prior, she had run into Stacy and her friend, Suzanne at Chick Fil A.  My mom already knew Suzanne from church.  My mother in law, Sharon, also happened to be with her that day.  This was a very fluke thing that they were all even there in the first place.

Suzanne came up to my mom that day and asked if I would ever be interested in a surrogate because she knew Stacy was thinking about it.  My mom told her that our doctor had mentioned it, but that we hadn’t considered it seriously because it usually costs so much money. Suzanne told her that Stacy and Justin were considering offering it to us as a gift and that they would try and get in touch with us.

So as the emails to my Justin were sent in order to set up the meeting, my mom and Suzanne were texting about it all!  My mom agreed not to say anything because they all agreed that they should talk about it with us first.

So when I brought this up to my mom, we had quite a laugh.  I told her that we were thinking about it for the next round, but she gently wondered if we should take them up on it for THIS round.  This echoed the feeling that I had been having all day.  I just couldn’t shake it.

It was such an amazing offer and it had come at just the right time.

Justin and I continued to talk and think about it that afternoon.  We finally decided that we would at least look into it the next day.

I went into full action mode, thankful to have to something to work toward that might actually work.  I called our clinic and they gave me the details.  They also gave me the name of a few recommended lawyers.

Meanwhile, we met up with Stacy and Justin at their home that Thursday night.  We talked for a few hours and got to know each other.  I was amazed at how comfortable I felt and how I immediately trusted Stacy with the idea of her carrying our child.    We shared our stories (the highs and lows), a few laughs and decided that we would continue moving forward.

When I went to bed that night, I could sense the forgotten feeling of excitement.  Could this really work? Would we really have another biological child? Should I even dare to hope?

But as the days followed and I began to piece together all of the information, my heart sank.  Even with Stacy forgoing the compensation, this would still cost us thousands of dollars.

The cycle fee at the clinic was much higher than a round for me. I had my own insurance that fully covered the round for me, but there was no coverage for surrogates.  We would have to pay out of pocket.

We also had to hire a lawyer and pay thousands so that she could draw up the initial contract (required in CA) and also to file paperwork with the court if there was a positive pregnancy.  Part of that process was a psych evaluation (and accompanying fee) for all of us.

As I sat and did the math, I just cried.  I had just started getting really excited about it and then reality sank in.  It was a very rough couple of days.  Justin and I landed on different sides of the fence.  I was up for a raise that year and really wanted to put that money towards this.  I felt like we would forever regret it if we didn’t take the leap of faith. How often do people get a chance like this?

Justin was tired.  And rightfully so.  We had just spent thousands on IVF, 4 FET rounds and then LOST thousands on our adoption.  And this was far from a sure bet.  Here again, we had to decide if we were going to push our chips forward and go all in.  And with our track record, the risk just didn’t seem worth it to him.

So, we spent the next few days feeling frustrated and discouraged.  I got to work.  I worked with the lawyer to reduce her fee a bit and our clinic was nice enough to do the same (after all, we were frequent customers!).  Once we got those two discounts, we decided to go for it.

We felt like even though our hearts were shattered, we could take a last leap of faith.  It felt more like a freefall, but I felt comforted believing that this was something I could have never dreamed up, planned or even knew to pray for.  I felt like God was leading us and giving us the peace to move forward.

We were also relieved that I would not have to do the intense medical protocol I had done the following year.  We were also grateful that our marriage would not have to endure all the emotions, fears, and energy that would inevitably come if we did the round ourselves.

I felt like just before we were going to quit and walk away from the game, our coach sent in a substitute full of energy and hope.

And it felt so good to take a breath.

Once we made the decision, we told Stacy and Justin.  We were actually going to do this!!!!

And from there, we started the amazing process of surrogacy…

2 Comments

2 Comments on Surrogacy Series #2- The Decision

  1. Sharon Kent says:

    I will always remember that day at lunch. It was pure chance that Mikki and I were having lunch together at that time in that location. When Suzanne approached us I recognized her from a prior Retreat but she didn’t place me at first. She started whispering to Mikki but finally opened up when I was introduced as Justin’s mother. Then she pointed out her friend Stacy who was sitting nearby and I started staring at her through my napkin, not to be obvious. From then on it became even more fun for Nana and Nini. We happily texted in secret like two teenagers giggling over boys. I was so happy to be included in all of this and felt so strongly that this was all sent from God and was just now unfolding. It was the same feeling I had when we were adopting Justin after so much infertility. A grounded, positive, grace-filled peace.

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