Infertility Journey #1

Am I still alive? Yes, thankfully. I guess the reason there are not a ton of working mom blogs floating around is because the moms are all out busy working or being a mom! Since I last wrote I have been adjusting to my new hectic schedule. In this time, I applied for a promotion (and ALMOST got it!), turned 30, took a trip, remodeled our dining room to make more room for baby things, and attempted to wean Jack off of the baby swaddle. Oh, and I applied and started a second job. Am I crazy? Yes. I am in training to be a teaching assistant for the university I work for. It is a foot in the door to becoming a professor with them and the extra money will be nice. But the blog slipped lower and lower on the priority list, which ispreciselywhy I wanted to write in the first place. I never make time to be creative or reflect. The blog was supposed to be the vehicle for that. Well I will congratulate myself for even sitting here tonight. High five. 

In my last post, I said that I was going to write about our journey to parenthood. As many of you probably know, we struggled with infertility for three years. It was just about the most painful thing I have ever gone through. That trumps being diagnosed with a chronic disease (which all happened in the same year and was completely unrelated). I never really made reference to it online because I wasdebatingon whether I should keep things private. But I have come to learn that I am not really a private person. My opinion is that the more we share and the more we are vulnerable, the more we can help one another. Also, the last thing I want is for my struggle to be for nothing. So I am writing in hopes of helping some other hurting hopeful moms or dads out there. Also, I think it brings awareness that people around you may be silently struggling.

Because it was three years, I think we will need to break it up into a few posts. Here is where it all started:

I have always had this obsession with being “normal.” I used to think that if I somehow blinked my eyes hard enough, I would show up in the land of normal people and I would get to do what normal people do. And I would be inexplicably happy. I never quite seemed to get there.

As for my marriage, I guess we started off on the wrong track to the road to normal. Most normal couples get married, wait a few years, travel, get the puppy, wait a few more years and then think about having kids. Not us. Two months before our wedding, we were walking through the mall and fell in love with a Bichon Frise/Papillion mix, who would later become our “baby” Zoey. We bought her right then and there, not answering obvious and responsible questions about who would watch her during our honeymoon or why we were spending so much money on a dog crate right before a wedding. All we knew was that the home we were building was never meant for just the two of us. I knew this from the very beginning.

My relationship with my husband started out as strictly friendship only for over 5 years. Justin truly was my buddy, in the best and most real sense of the word. He took me out for Valentine’s Day after my first real heartbreak. He opened the door for me. He laughed with me. He stood up for me. He sang out loud in the car with me at the top of his lungs. He shared my love for travel and music. One night, we sat on the beach and played guitar for hours in the cold – swapping gloves as we passed the guitar back and forth. And he was SO talented. And he loved me, even if I was just his buddy.

Over an awkward dinner and pounding hearts, Justin and I decided to turn our friendship into a relationship. After the initial adjustment, things fell right into place and I started seeing my future take shape. One night in September, after wine and fondue, he took me back to his apartment. With candles and roses surrounding us, he played “Grow Old with You” on the guitar and got down on one knee. The ring was designed with all family diamonds and I said yes. We celebrated with a huge surprise party with all of our friends and family. 9 months later…

We were married.

Zoey quickly got a new puppy friend named Penny a few months after we got married. She eventually became my favorite. Don’t tell.

Although our family was steadily growing larger, we often talked about having children. We were only 25 when we got married and although many of our friends claimed that 30 was the magic age for getting pregnant, we responded by throwing out the birth control.

****A word of caution: Never under any circumstances try to get pregnant the same time as your best “couple friends”. ****

My friend will echo that statement. She and I spent a year swapping information and laughing our way through all of the “trying to conceive” (TTC for short) websites and chat rooms. Really, where is the master key to all the acronyms?? I wasn’t worried about us because she was going through the same thing and wasn’t getting a positive test either. The four of us planned a vacation, had game nights and made fun of people that seemed to become boring after babies. Then one night, I got the call…

She was pregnant. Later I would find out that she would end up giving birth to her son and would get pregnant with her second baby. All the while, I would still be stuck in the land of acronyms and websites indefinitely. But I didn’t know that then. I wasn’t weighed down with the big “I” word just yet and thought my time would come soon after. She gave me the play by play on getting her positive test and the confirmation at the doctor’s office. We celebrated together and dreamed of all the fun we would have in this new season of parenting. I promised her a baby shower and she said “Ok but only if you are pregnant by then.”

If only the test would turn positive one of these times……

I will leave you there for now. Thanks for reading and PLEASE pass this link on to any friends that are struggling with infertility. I would love to talk to anyone who needs a listening ear.


5 Comments on Infertility Journey #1

  1. jdemchak says:

    i really love reading your blog, bon. just thought you should know!

  2. I’m sorry about the long journey Bonnie. Brenton and I had a miscarriage before having Riley. I’ve had many friends struggling with miscarriages and infertility, a hard road. So glad you know have a little one to love on.

  3. Kerry says:

    Bon, what a great start! I love you friend! Thank you for being SO open about this- it does make a difference in people’s lives. 🙂

  4. Kim says:

    You are an amazing lady Bonnie and I am so happy you have your happy ending. I know the road was long but Jack is so worth every bit of the wait! I can’t wait to read more of your blog! You definitely tell your story so eloquently!

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