Archive of ‘Grief’ category

My Stint in “Rehab”

Hi friends. I am going to take a break from my surrogacy series (which I promise I WILL finish), because I wanted to share this post.

I wrote this when Ivy was nine weeks old:


I am in the ninth week of rehab.

My daughter was born nine weeks ago. I didn’t give birth to her, so I am not healing physically from the birth. Yet, I was entitled to 11 weeks of time off with income thanks to my employer and the state of California.

I took advantage of every single hour I was entitled to.

I needed it. (more…)


A Mother’s Day Note to Those Who Have Miscarried

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day and I am already seeing the blogs circulate.  I am thrilled that we are speaking honestly about a day that is tender for so many of us.

As I sit outside on this Saturday afternoon with my laptop in hand, I am aware that I could write on many topics surrounding motherhood.  I know the feeling of yearning to become a mother and not being able to.  I know what it is like to give birth and raise a child with my husband’s eyes and my hair color.  I know what it is like to mother a child that has someone else’s eyes and hair- to watch your heart and family expand through adoption.

I know what it is like to peel the white strings off of oranges because that’s the only way they will be eaten.  I know what it is like to sleep, but not really, only then to stumble down the hall towards a baby that needs you.  I know what it is like to be utterly vulnerable and exposed because after all, motherhood is scary.  Knowing that every inch of your heart is walking around with that tiny person is risky.  And yet, we take it.  We open ourselves up to it all, knowing that it is worth it to love these precious ones. (more…)


Surrogacy Series #9- Nesting in the Nursery

Hope your week is going well, everyone!

I am inching my way through our surrogacy story and thought I would use this post to share a little bit about my nesting experience as an intended mother (the term for me in the surrogacy world) and to share some pictures of Ivy’s room.

As I have shared in previous posts, having someone else carry your baby is a bit of a surreal experience.  It was often difficult for me to process that our biological child was the one kicking, growing and wiggling in there! Pregnancy naturally makes a woman stop, slow down, and often face the reality that a baby is on the way.  But since I didn’t have morning sickness, backaches, and sleepless nights, I had to consciously decide to prepare myself for this baby.  I threw a lot of that energy towards her nursery.

After our adoption fell apart, the nursery was a very tender place for me.  A few months after we lost her, I chose a night to clean it out.  My dad and father in law had kindly taken down the crib for us when we had left town and I had shoved some things in boxes, but it was largely untouched.  So that night, I put on some of my favorite music and locked myself in there for a few hours.  I sorted clothes and packed up the baby gear.  I put things in large trash bags and labeled them for the future.  I took down the pictures off the walls and when it was all said and done, I sat in the silence of the room and cried.  I thought about the special memories we had made in that room with that sweet girl.  I remembered bringing her home for the first time and seeing the IT’S A GIRL sign and pops of pink that my in-laws had surprised us with. I remembered rocking her.  I remembered her first bath and the sweet outfits she wore.

I remembered losing her. (more…)


Glitter- One Year Later

It is 11:12pm on 11/29/2015.  There are 48 minutes left until her birthday.

I am sitting in the nursery that I have worked on the last few months preparing for my daughter who is due to be born in a few short months.

But tonight I am thinking about another little girl I gave my heart to one year ago today.  I want so badly to type her name here.  To tell you the name we gave “our” little girl.  To tell you that her middle name was my Grandma’s name.  I want to say her name out loud to remind myself and anyone listening that she was once a part of our family.

But she isn’t mine anymore.  And it doesn’t feel right to say it out loud. (more…)


Adoption Perspectives Radio Show

Guys!  I was on the radio!

After I posted about our hospital experience, my (new) friend, Rebecca Vahle, reached out to me through my site and asked if I would be her guest on her radio show, Adoption Perspectives.

I was thrilled to hear from her because I already knew of her!  During my prep for the hospital experience, I was reading and listening to anything I could get my hands on.  Rebecca was a guest on a podcast I listened to and she discussed the importance of making a hospital plan before the birth in an open adoption.  Although our facilitator was already doing that with us, listening to Rebecca speak about her experiences during this emotional time really prepared our family for our own experience.  She founded the Family to Family Support Network.  Their mission statement is:

Empowering healthcare workers and families through adoption education, support and community connection. (more…)

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Adoption Series #8 – The Aftermath


The Aftermath

I have been looking forward to this day.  As much as I have loved the journey of documenting this adoption story, I am ready to write the last page.  It is one of my favorite pages of this story because it includes you all- my beautiful community that surrounded us in the blackest night.

Have you read the first 7 posts in this series?  If not, I would recommend that you stop and get caught up.  If you subscribe to my email list, you will get my posts right in your inbox.  I want to say a huge THANK YOU to all of you who have shared my blog.  I have received countless messages from men and women all over the country and have connected with some families who have gone through something similar.  Thank you for helping me share this story.

In my last post, we had just given BabyG back to her birthmom and became a family of three once again.

I remember going home that night and walking back into the house.  To the left of the door was her swing. On the couch, there was a forgotten hair bow and pair of socks.  In the kitchen sink, bottles waited to be washed.  In her room, her crib with the pink sheet was empty. (more…)


Adoption Series #7- The Final Goodbye


The Final Goodbye

I woke up feeling angsty today. I am not quite sure why I would feel that way after a fun filled weekend with friends and family, but I did.  I didn’t plan on writing this post today, but with my current mood, it just seemed right.

This morning, I quickly finished up a few things for work, picked up some Starbucks and now I am sitting in front of a beautiful lake and a blank page.  I guess it is now or never…


This is my seventh post of eight in our adoption story blog series. As always, please get caught up and subscribe to my email list.  If you wouldn’t mind, if this blog has meant something to you, would you consider sharing my blog on Facebook or on another social media outlet?  I apologize for the shameless plea, but my hope is that this story will find its way to those out there that need to hear it.  And that requires some sharing.   Thanks guys!

To pick up where we left off, we had just gone to bed on day 19 of 20.

I certainly woke up feeling anxious that following morning.  It was the weekend in between celebrating  Jack’s birthday and Christmas.  Every year, we celebrate Christmas over three days- starting on the 23rd.  If we were going to be giving BabyG back to her birthmom, I wanted it to happen on one of these “in between” days.  Since Jack’s party was over, we were now in that time pocket.  The anxiety continued to escalate. (more…)


Adoption Series #3 – The Prep


The Prep

Welcome to the third post in our adoption story series.  If you haven’t read the first and second ones, please stop and get caught up!  This week is full of pictures and memories.

I have been putting off writing this post all week.  I think it is because it is hard to remember the “in-betweens” of life.  I remember the high of the phone call and the match meeting as if it happened moments ago and I remember the spinning sensation of our grief when we lost her, but it is that time in between that is lost.  It is the moments between the climb and the fall, the inhale and the exhale, and the loving and losing that get swept up in the shuffle of it all.  It is the ordinary, mundane and the daily things that get passed by.  (more…)


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